It doesn’t change as often as a hairstyle, maybe, but it’s a similar inclination.  I like the outside, the label, to represent the work I’m doing.  Even if the reasons for that name choice are only clear to me it makes me feel like I am properly presently myself.

So in line with my other projects this year, this space, is now evereadysmile.com.  All previous domain names will still redirect here, so no need to do anything your parts, really.

Of course I did all of this yesterday while this site, and my others, were intentionally blacked out in protest of SOPA and PIPA.  Which means you probably missed everything I posted at Love Letter for an Occupant yesterday as well. It wasn’t an intentional taunt, but I got a new camera and was all excited to start posting pictures, the fact that my site was blacked out be damned!

I’ve only had the camera for a couple days, most of which have been spent at work, so I haven’t even had time to photograph anything that wasn’t inside my house (or my office I guess, but that’s even less interesting).

If you thought my web page layout was bright and jarring, well, it’s a reflection of my house and maybe the inside of my brain too. I can’t tell if this is good picture exactly, because when I look at it I simply think about how much I love my bed and how I wish I was in it reading a book instead if in my cold, cold office, or just about anywhere else.

Though everything is starting slow (and thus properly) I think my current projects are going well, both the public and the private.  I posted a large self portrait without make up on yesterday on Love Letter and I’m still having pretty conflicted feelings about it (which was the point, pushing limits).  It’s funny because I only wear make up, hmm, maybe 40% of the time? Events, any time I have to meet or talk to a lot of people or if I’m feeling either particularly insecure or particularly badass.  An astute friend once said to me, “You don’t give a fuck today.” And I thought for a second and said, “No, is it that obvious?” And he said, “Well, you don’t have any eye make up on and you only do that when you don’t give a fuck.”  Which is a pretty good summation of the entire situation actually.  And yet, while I’m fine going bare faced into the world most days, it feels different to capture on film and leave it up for everyone to always be able to see.  As Lyle Lovett says, “Here I am, yes It’s me.”  Take from it what you will, because what you see will never be what I intend you you to see, which too, is as it should be.

First project started: Love Letter From an Occupant.  This will be predominantly a visual project.  Go follow it with your own Tumblr or add it to your feed reader or bookmark to read later and then ignore it.  Or you can ignore it right out, I don’t mind.  I will probably set this up so it streams to Facebook directly, though hopefully not intrusively.  Probably I will add a wrap up of what happens over there here periodically as well.

I am actually glad for Facebook’s existence.  It’s allowed me to better keep up with my family than I ever could, and brought me back in touch with people that I am thrilled to have found.  But frankly it makes me lazy on the internet.  I have been actively participating in online communities in a variety of ways since about 1992.  It has opened doors to me, introduced me to many of my friends and made me creative in ways I never could have imagined.  I think Facebook actually damages a lot of that.  It’s easy to thoughtlessly toss up a picture, or a quick status and stop thinking about why things are being shared or taking the time to really write about things.  I can’t give up Facebook because it is my main connection with some folks and that’s okay, but I am spreading out more this year than I have for the past couple years.

To some extent I’ve been locked up inside myself for the last 30 months or so.   I am thankful that I’ve had the time for introspection and the chance to find myself again.  Now I need to stretch a little creatively and a little personally.  The Tumblr project is personal.  I know from past year’s experimenting that I can’t do a picture a day or anything that requires specific time commitments, but there are pictures, narratives and imagery that I’d like to be sharing more thoughtfully and hopefully this project will be the beginning of that.

I am ready to go, are you? Let’s go! Let’s go!

Seattle horizons. December 23, 2011.

In 2011 I got better.  I recovered, almost completely, from 2010 and 2009.  I reconnected with some amazing, beautiful old friends who I am so very glad to have back in my life.  I reconnected with my old online community which is no different than sitting down with old friends.  I learned, I changed, I stayed the same, I became more me, I remembered who I was, and who I want to be.  I think I managed to find myself again, or at least the creative center of myself, even if the rest of me seems much changed than who I was even a year ago.  I am glad to be moving forward, looking forward, and carrying on with the people I have around me.

In 2012 I plan to take myself less seriously.  I want to worry less about external pressures and ask less of myself.  I want to write more and laugh more and sing loudly even when I’m out of tune.

I have an extensive list of new projects I want to work on in 2012.  I’m not sure yet which will make the cut and which will fall by the wayside but I am going to strongly commit to one or a few and be dedicated and vigilant in my work on what I do choose.

I will be smarter and more me by the end of the 2012.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask of myself.

I am so grateful for my huge, wonderful family, for my mother and my sisters.  I am so very thankful for my friends and my community.  I wish I had the words and time to tell each of you just how much I love you and how much you mean to me.  I will carry that love in my heart every single day, I will use it to bolster myself against the hard times.  I will do my best to love you all even more, every single day.  I will trust you all and work to to learn to trust myself and my instincts more.  I will try harder to be worthy of the love given back to me.

Here we go!

Today in the Northern Hemisphere we round the corner on darkness.  It is the Hibernal solstice when the sun is near its greatest distance from the equatorial plane, standing still as it were.

Today Marduk tamed the monsters of chaos and for one more year we are safe as we move back into the light.

Today we light candles and keep them lit.  Though darkness is already on the run, we must continue to chase it away so spring can come faster.

Today the Oak King is apparently dead, his branches bare and cold.  We thought the Holly King had won, as he remained green,  but long live the Oak King as he returns to rule us into Midsummer!  Go, hang the holly, let it catch bad spirits on it’s tiny horns, protecting us in the months of darkness when the border with the shadowlands is permeable.

Today is the Saturnalia where we eat and dance and decorate the evergreens with red berries.  We will reverse all our roles, switch with our opposites and see the world from the other side, through other eyes.

Today and for the days to come, find joy in each other, celebrate, kiss beneath the mistletoe, feast in the light of candles.  Celebrate the darkness and the joy we have as  it washes away.  Tonight we breathe and meditate on our lives.  We breathe out the things we want gone, we breathe in our wishes for the coming year.  Tomorrow life begins again.

Before:

Silk blouse, pretty but boxy and just not quite me.

After:

I shortened the sleeves and used the leftover over fabric to put an elasticized panel around the waist, lengthening the top and making it more fitted. YAY, I love it now!

Before:

I got this beautiful silk dress for $3.50.  It’s really lovely silk, but not at all my style.  I feel like I’m auditioning for Little House on the Prairie.

After:

I shortened the sleeves and re-purposed the ties that held the waist back into trim for the hem.  I have enough of the silk from the dress part left to make a skirt, or more likely a little sleeveless shell.

As soon as we get through the holidays I’m going to make a concerted effort to get at least one project a week photographed so I can get it up here.

Quinoa Red Lentil Soup

I used this recipe (the stove top version which only took about 35 minutes) which came highly recommended from a trusted friend.  I saw it and thought, oh I have all those things, I’ll make that.  HAHAHAH!  Well, I had quinoa and red lentils.  Of the spices I only had fresh ginger, paprika, cumin and thyme.   So I used those and substituted 2 tbl of green curry paste for everything else.  Also I didn’t have any of those vegetables, so I used a yellow onion, diced, a yellow squash (the zucchini like kind), also diced and a can of diced tomatoes and a couple cloves of garlic, finely chopped.  I did follow the directions pretty closely, despite all the substitutions.   At the end of cooking I also put half of it through the blender until it was smooth and added it back in with the rest (a secret that improves 85% of soups).

I think it turned out great.  Would be excellent with a dollop of sour cream but there’s few things that isn’t true about.

Apple cake

2 eggs
1/4 cup canola oil
1/2 cup applesauce
1 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups flour
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp pumpkin spice
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
3 apples, peeled & chopped

Directions:  In large bowl, beat eggs, applesauce and oil until smooth.  Add sugar, vanilla, cinnamon, pumpkin spice, baking soda, salt and mix well.  Add flour, beat until smooth. Fold in apples. Pour into greased and floured 9 by 13 pan. Bake at 350F degrees for 50-55 minutes.

I substituted Bob’s Red Mill all-purpose gluten-free baking flour.  Also I normally would do 3/4 cup applesauce and no oil, but I was unsure about this flour mixture, because I’ve never used it and I figured a little oil might help.

I’ve used previous versions of this recipe (I seem to reinvent it every year, whole wheat flour, less sugar, no oil, now gluten-free) to make muffins for which it is excellent.   The original recipe called for 2c sugar and a cinnamon and sugar glaze, but I really prefer things less sweet.  You should experiment until it tastes how you like.

Where I Am From

I am from cherry blossoms and eternal hope for spring that always comes in its own time.

I am from riot grrrls and evergreen trees as big as you’ll ever see.

I am from fuck your fashion flannel shirt, this is to keep me warm.

I am from Protestant work ethic and self medication.

I am from science fiction and comic books aren’t for girls and screw your preconceptions.

I am from latch key kids and riding your bike miles with no adults around, tree forts and rope swings and how did we live to adulthood?

I am from Buddhism and Astrology, Catholicism and Lutheranism, the Golden Rule and actions speak louder than words.

I am from the train platform, the bus station, the airport, the gas station, the spot where we set out for our next great adventure.

I am from there is a template for this writing exercise and I couldn’t be bothered to read all of it let alone follow it.

I am from the land of high mountains and grey skies, damp chill and long, long summer days, winters where the green never dies.

I am from strawberries my grandfather picked with me after growing them in the soil he tended so well my whole life.

I am from men who build things, fix things and fight for what they believe in.

I am from women stronger and smarter than you, powerfully hard role models to live up to.

I am from places where I only sleep well if I can hear the traffic or the trains.

I am from revolutions, protests and riots, candlelight vigils and memorial marches, hands across America.

I am from an era where being different was king and still I was never the right kind of different.

I am from the edge where punk rock meets pop music and folk music shakes hands with soul.

I am from reading banned books and buying music for minors.

I am from putting aside my loneliness and pain to take time to listen to yours.

I am from white hat hackers and I’ll give you my money but you can keep your DRM.

I am from you can’t have sex on a stack of ereaders but I carry mine with me anyhow.

I am from sisters, both born and made.

I am from snickerdoodles, fattigman and lefse, mashed potatoes better than you’ve ever eaten and hamburgers that might break your teeth.

I am from the Monastery, the Underground, the Off Ramp and the Crocodile.

I am from if I could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, in all of history, I pick my mom and my sisters.

I am from music that transports you, transforms you and stays with you forever, even when its meaning changes for you.

I am from broken hearts and dashed dreams and princes who never showed up to rescue me.  Where I am from girls don’t need rescuing anyway, besides you’d just do it wrong.

I am from an artist and a scientist, a carpenter and a cook.

I am from long childhood summer afternoons spent in the dark stock room of a shoe store imagining owning Nikes with every stripe color possible.

I am from if you build it they will come and when they don’t show up just keep building anyway.

I am from the more cousins you have, the more joy you have.

I am from stitching my own clothes for the satisfaction of it and to honor my grandmother every time I lay hand to cloth.

I am from writing poetry you’ll never see, scratching out thousands of words you may never read and never stopping because if I don’t pull this all out of my head it will make me (more) crazy.

I am from promising more than I can ever produce and trying to please you no matter what.

I am from far away, a place I can never show you, a place that no longer exists anywhere but inside me.  My own homeland is lost to me and I never glimpsed the farther away homeland of my ancestors.

In the meantime, I’ve got a million tabs open with other things I’m thinking about, so it’s best I think to share some of them here so I can clear my head of them.

1.  I can’t stop coming back to this picture.  Firstly, Clint Eastwood is sexy.  Period. At any age. But, um, WOW, this is above and beyond.  Secondly, this picture so harkens to a long gone by era that it makes me incredibly wistful for time when I wasn’t even alive.  Fortunately I figured out how to hack my Kindle, so I can make this one of the screensavers.  It’s the little things in life, people.

2. Go listen to this Kevin Gordon song.  I’ve seen him play it live at least half a dozen times and every time the room goes quiet like people realize that something is happening, like really happening.  It’s a moving song that also touches on time gone by, and puts you right back into it, even if you didn’t live it the first time.  Take some time to listen, this isn’t a background song, this is a slow build up, get involved in listening song.

3.  The UN says women’s right to make choices about their own bodies is a basic human right.  On the one hand I’m pleased with this though I doubt it will make any immediate impact in any women’s lives.  On the other hand I’m appalled that we still live in a world where this is even in question at all.  And not just in poor, “backwards” nations or countries under religious rule, but in our own land of the free.  It is my basic human right to make choices about my body, how are we still having this discussion.

4.  I can’t remember where this coffee duck from (or I’d attribute) but I really love it:

5. It’s my dearest, oldest, closest friend’s birthday today.  Even if you don’t know her, imagine the sister that made me who I am today and do something nice for someone you love in honor of friendships that cross the years and the miles.  I love you, Boots!

This is made from the curtain that I didn’t end up using the room, deep teal canvas.  I applied the stencil repeating diagonally with fabric paint.  the back is a soft, dark brown stretch twill.

This is made from the piece of cream canvas left over from the curtains I did hang.  I painted the stencil on with fabric paint, did a terrible job of masking it, got paint everywhere and hand embroidered some stitches into the design to cover the paint flubs.  I wanted yellow or brow piping on this, but I didn’t have either in the house and I’m making an effort to use what I have laying around, rather than buying more stuff.  I’m actually really pleased with how the blue looks, though I do think yellow would have been great to highlight the stitching.  The back side of this is piece from the sheets currently on the bed so I can pretend it all ties together.

And here they are on the bed!  YAY!  The pinwheel quilted pillow in the middle was made by my friend Michael Frazier, about a decade ago.  He has since died, but this pillow always makes me smile and think of him.  I think he’d like the pillows I made today too.

Hooray for pillows! And for projects finished.  Now to get back to the 10,000 other things on my weekend to-do list that still aren’t done.

I had a great trip.  I feel like I should say something philosophical about traveling alone but I don’t know what.  It was great the freedom, but it was bittersweet enjoying restaurants alone.  I’m utterly i love with Maine.  I’m sure this is like when people visit Seattle and the weather is gorgeous and they gush about how amazing it is and I’m like, yeah, grey 9 months a year.  Like, clearly Maine must be awful in winter but still it presented itself to me as something wonderful.  Like a place I’d only read about in books, a place of my imaginings made real.  Which I guess it is.  I’ve filled my Amazon Wishlist of Maine things to get through out the next few months so I can keep in my head how I felt while I was there.  Especially while I was out on the water.  I miss the ocean so much.

I hope you enjoy the pictures.